Happy Mother's Day Mumsies

Greetings all,

I haven't had the chance to embrace my personal Mother's Day experience, since i had a baby in my belly.  That might sound shocking, as i LOVE being a mother & adore my mummy + mother-in-law . . . so let me take you back.  This is my reality, where Mother's Day is a work in progress.    

I love my mummy, i call her Barbie Doll, my siblings each have a special name for her too.  Together we'd celebrate Mother's Day with much gusto . . . treats (flowers, perfume, trinkets) present her with breakfast in bed (warming the teapot before making tea, she could tell the difference, she's English) & an enormous family dinner (she didn't have to cook herself).  Beautiful childhood & adult memories of worshipping our beloved mother, lead by our father - her biggest fan.  So you can imagine how Mother's Day is now, Alzheimer's has stolen the memory that she even has children, so we carry on as if she knows who we are, a harmless denial which is surprisingly easy to fudge, even the grandchildren play along.  The challenging thing is - you start so many conversations & stories saying "remember when . . ." or "Mum, you know . . ." it's crushing as you realise over & over again, she doesn't have a clue.

   I lost my mother-in-law to breast cancer while pregnant with my first baby.  I was excited about Mother-To-Be-Day, as my mummy called it - complete with gift hamper of everything you could possibly need as a new mother - the woman was a one stop baby shower, yet i remember so vividly chattering away to my own mother on the phone that Mother's Day, then looking up to my husband (constructing a cot) to see his eyes well up, he quietly said "i don't have a Mother anymore."  Of course my mother loves my husband to pieces (we joke she'd keep him in a divorce) but Mother's Day is still a brutal reminder for my husband, of the agony of losing his mother. 

Finally, in 13 years as a mummy, i've had 2 Mothers' Days with my husband around . . . it's not exactly a scene of mother-having-day-off-with-feet-up-while-being-pampered-&-showered-with-gifts.  I'm not ba humbug, but you get my drift.  You know i'm uber positive, just not about this chestnut Ok!!  I'm also patient, my time of Mother's Day glory will come, eventually.  I sent Barbie a card - we'll see them in a few weeks when handsome soldier is home.  That brings me much more happiness - giving to my mother, no matter how she responds - than my children giving to me.  This year i've turned the tables too, i'm only a mother because of my beautiful children, so instead, i'll accept their handmade cards & flowers from the neighbours garden, then . . . i'm giving them gifts!!  To me, that is joy.  I may have used my husband's credit card for a few magazine subscriptions, so don't feel too sorry for me!!

 This year, my siblings & i banded together to send Mum to the Ritz in London for High Tea & a suite for the night, a couple of weeks ago.  This photo captures it perfectly . . . my forever-proud-father & now-distant-mother.  She'd also die if she realised she was wearing a jumper to the Ritz, instead of a Chanel twin set with pearls.  Yes, they are still travelling the world, only with my brother as their 'private physician' as they can't get insurance anymore.

To lighten the mood . . . my proud children couldn't wait to show me how their chick is circus-ready, the mystique of a bird balancing on a pencil.  If you want to discover parental love in your children, get a baby animal!! 

I'll always remember, when one of my sister's-in-law was suffering depression & asked me "what kind of a mother will my children think i am??"  I don't think you have to have depression to ponder that thought!!  I was in high school & babysat her 2 young daughters every afternoon, watching them play with dolls - carefully dressing them, laying them gently in cots & singing to them softly . . . i told her "they have learned this from you, naturally, from your heart" & the relief that washed over her, that she'd done something right (depression is evil, harsh & critical of every thought.) 

So to all the mummies out there, i wish you a very happy Mother's Day this Sunday.  To those struggling with what Mother's Day means to you . . . you are not alone.  Let's hope it keeps developing & evolving into something beautiful with new traditions & happiness.  I know mine will, it's just going to take a little more time.  It's an awful lot of pressure for one day.  Yelling & begging your children "please behave, it's Mother's Day" is not exactly a Hallmark moment.  I like to consider every unsolicited hug & kiss, random note left on my pillow & SMS starting with "Mumsie, can you . . .", that's Mother's Day to me - everyday.  Love Posie

social commentary Sunday . . . 'what made you stop & have a baby??'

Greetings all,

Really wanted to title this post . . . 'who are you listening to when it comes to what age you should be having children, career/ baby/ finances blah blah blah??'  

Maybe it's the school holidays with lazy mornings that i've noticed, all over the breakfast & morning shows, this debate . . . what age is right to have a baby??  What is more important first - career/ home/ money/ travel??  You can mix it up!!  To save writing a full essay, we'll just assume 'right' = 'a suitable stage in your life' & you've met your baby making partner too.  I genuinely wonder who want-to-be-mothers-one-day are actually talking to??  Is it their baby making partner, family, friends, colleagues, bosses, other mothers, themselves . . . versus listening to statistics, celebrities & what 'they' say??  In the words of the great Dr Phil - "who is 'they', did 'they' graduate from 'They' University??"  When did we stop making decisions for ourselves exactly??  Talking to real people about their real experiences, not googling & comparing ourselves to statistics (so easily skewed to create a talking point) . . . about the most important thing you'll ever do - raise a human being!!  
Apparently 'having a baby' rates very low on the list of things young women want in their life these days.  Do these young women know fertility declines dramatically from the age of 27 & IVF is not a guaranteed 'back up'.  No one ever seems to bring this up, biological clocks are ticking away, but everyone assumes it's after the age of 35 or 40 (Hollywood doesn't help this myth with older mothers making fertility look effortless.)  Actress Melissa George was quoted as saying, after the breakup of her marriage & idea of meeting someone new + having a baby . . . "i still have time, i'm only 35." Age & fertility is one limit few can defy.

Please know i am all for people who decide not to have children, i believe it's a bigger decision not to have them, it's not at all selfish or whatever people think about childless-by-choice people.  Good on you, you have a different quality of life.
I remember hearing magazine editor Deborah Thomas once saying "ooppss i forgot to have a baby" & i lost instant respect for her.  How do you forget??  I was ambitious about a future career, wanted 4 children, a nice home, university education . . . a husband was on the 'life check list' too when i left school.  Call me a naive giddy teenager, i knew from the moment i met my husband, he was my future . . . it was so natural to chat about babies, houses, hopes & dreams.  I was playing it cool (i read Marie Claire, i knew not to appear desperate) . . . he raised these long-term-relationship topics, aged 22.  We had a collective dozen nieces & nephews already, we knew what it took to have/ raise/ fund/ love a child.  We are apparently in the small minority though - thinking, planning, wanting babies while we were really young.      

What is financial security??  Who ever has enough money to afford a baby??  Most Australians live with a home ownership dream/ obsession, slipping a baby in the mix with the reduction/ pause to one salary, it's near impossible for most.  So you've met your life partner, do you have a baby now versus the heartache & expense of potential fertility issues later??  I heard one journalist say only 2 of her friends had babies in their 20s, both accidents, yet both said it was the best thing that ever happened to them - accidentally starting their families.  This journalist didn't mention that she struggled to have babies in her early 40s after years of IVF - was she listening to those friends or focussed on that news anchor position??  Especially since she insists, becoming a mother is her greatest role.  Really??  Or did she work that out afterwards??  So many of us mummies will scream from the rooftops, being a mum is the best thing ever, career can pause & living in a modest home is happiness too.    

I'm perhaps unqualified to discuss this subject as i was pregnant at 23, planned, i had just finished Uni & was married to a Lance Corporal (one rank up from Private soldier), we knew were never going to be rich with the 4 children plan, we struggled, but we loved every minute of it & made it work (cloth nappies, breastfeeding, homemade everything, minimal toys & zero takeaway/ holidays/ childcare/ new cars.)  Sure the Army provide a reduced-market-rental roof over our heads so an immediate mortgage wasn't a financial pressure, but we saved to buy investment properties (when our first child was born & i worked full time in the oil industry) which kept us poor in the present, but set us up for a financial future.  People are constantly saying to me "wish i had my children younger" for reasons of energy, expectations & mindset.  Well yes, i was a 35 year old high school mum with energy to burn & remember high school vividly . . . i just spent Saturday night curled up with my teenager, watching movies & talking about love, marriage, hopes & dreams - but i am very much her mother, not her girlfriend.  
How many couples look back, remembering the tiny first home with new babies & a broken down car, eating soup at a plastic table . . .  & say it was the best time of their lives??!!  

Did you decide to go for it, have babies & just see where life took you??  What are you waiting for??  Love Posie
PS thank you so much for the gorgeous messages about my last post, they absolutely filled my heart with warmth & love.  Our little chicken passed away before we went to bed last night, it was in the end, relief, in every aspect that the word 'relief' can be.  Today i've had that cried-all-day-&-night headache, but my soul is lighter.

my pregnancy & birth stories: the mega mix

Greetings all,
I got into blogging after my 4^th baby had commenced preschool & never posted my pregnancy & birth experiences.  After reading so many birth stories in blogland + my cousin had a baby last week (my husband is so clucky, vasectomy says ‘no’) . . . i thought I’d share my story . . .

  Pregnancy: I went into each pregnancy with my eyes wide open . . . from my sister & 4 sisters-in-law . . . I knew infertility, cervical cancer, miscarriage, still birth, bleeding, PND, intramuscular stitches, shock, OCD, mastitis, premature labour, episiotomies, reflux & emergency Caesareans can happen.  I fortunately skipped every single one of these painful heartaches.  This is not a rosey glasses view – this is my real story, honest & for true!! 

I had all of my babies in Darwin, Northern Territory.  We moved there in 1998, a few weeks pregnant & headed to the Private Hospital to find an obstetrician, the amazing Dr Andrew Miller (delivered each of my babies).  My ‘uneventful’ planned pregnancies were all the same: pregnant first time we tried - which made for short lived fun-baby-making-sex . . . to vomiting 24/7 for 9 months!!  I attended ante natal classes (solo, handsome soldier away), never smoked, drank coffee or alcohol, nothing to give up. 

  Labour: Now the only medical hiccup was mine – I had a spontaneous retinal detachment in my right eye when I was 21, so at my first OB appointment we agreed that lots of pushing at delivery could pop a retina & I’d have an epidural (controlled labour, push at the end).  Each of my epidural lines were put in before I went into labour (drugs not connected until required, then self-administered pain relief, I was familiar from pharmacology) i could walk around & shower, all very affective & active.  No high speed screaming trip to hospital/ waters breaking in public for me, NOTHING exciting like you see on television.

Delivery: None of my babies wanted to come out, all induced, first labour took 3 days, at 41+ weeks.  Each baby was delivered onto my chest, eyes open but not crying, weighing average 3.3kg, even the twins!!  Baby 1 required forceps (big head) & me, one stitch (tiny vagina) ha ha!!  When you have twins, your husband is handed the first baby, I was busy delivering her sister 4 minutes later.  Twin 2 was breech & pulled out by her feet, then placed on my chest – hungry, I was handed twin 1 & instantly taught how to dual breast feed, covered in vernix & all.  Darwin Private don’t wipe off the white vernix, best baby moisturiser ever!!    

  Guests: Actually I had my visiting parents at the delivery of our twins, I figured my father had NEVER seen a baby being born & knowing I have epidurals, it would be calm.  I remember the OB saying to my father “put the newspaper down, you’re going to miss it” as Dad hid behind the Sydney Morning Herald like a screen – let’s just say, we all focussed on the babies NOT where they were coming out from!!  Best of all, my parents got to see a normal delivery & a breech, they made the 2^nd cuts of umbilical cords & each carried a baby back to the room!! 

Birth Plan: I didn’t create birth plans, I agreed with my OB & had met all of the midwives who might be there at show time.  I didn’t want whale music, poetry or candles, just healthy babies.  Hospital policy was to keep you in for 6 days after a straight forward delivery, sending you off into the real world confident & informed.  The rooms included a king bed & fridge, complimentary champagne & 6 meals a day, leather recliner & bathroom, who’d want to leave?? 

 Post Partum: I remember bumping into Dr Miller when our first baby was 7 days old, my husband & I were off to the cinema, he said “see, babies don’t stop you from doing anything” & I have absolutely lived by those words.  I had everything going for me as a new mummy, healthy babies, plenty of milk, supportive husband & tonnes of energy.  Each of my babies slept through the night, 12 hours, from when they were 3-5 weeks of age.  So on top of having 4 babies in my 20s, I didn’t suffer sleep deprivation. 

Breast feeding: Each of my babies attached to the breast perfectly, “big mouths & big boobs” one midwife said "Special K lips", from birth they slept 4 hours.  My mum always said “never make a rod for your own back” so I never fussed over them, they all fell asleep on the breast & popped into bed, no burping & no vomit, done.  I would vacuum around their cots while they slept, I could move them from cot to car seat to pram to car seat to cot without them waking to do the grocery shopping.  We lived on an air force base in the tropics, all windows open, fighter jets, barking dogs, they slept through it all.  I only used bottles to express milk & never sterilised them or used anti bacterial hand wash – we had good germs.  I breast fed all the girls for 18 months, had a month off, pregnant again.  I fed our son for 24 months .

  Situations: We were living in Sydney while pregnant with my son, I couldn’t get into any private OB (at 4 weeks!!) & they quoted $6K + appointments in fees.  Gulp.  So I rang my Darwin OB & he said if I flew up for the first trimester appointment & for delivery, he’d charge me cost.  Please don’t think we were rich & I was jetting about hospital-shopping . . . in 2003 my husband was on $35K & I was sewing a little at home with 3 daughters.  My flights, hotel, car hire & baby delivery cost $1K!!  We didn’t have much but we had health insurance.  So glad I did, my ante natal at Royal North Shore Hospital, hmmm, awful experience . . . they asked me if my husband beat me/ was the father/ wanted the baby, they wrote my age as 38 not 28, & my son was breech so they said “Caesarean” no choice.  My husband stayed in Sydney with our girls & I had our son in Darwin (I chose my OB over my husband at the birth, yes really) baby turned, easy delivery which I videotaped (in the mirror) while I was on the phone to my husband.  Multitask that one mums!!  Then I flew home with him, 4 days old, ready to meet his Daddy (bursting with pride) & join his sisters.  I have since been advised that domestic violence often commences during pregnancy, isn’t that HORRIFYING!! 

  Coming Home: Every time we brought a new baby home, we let our puppy sniff & check them out first, helped with jealousy.  My husband had his wisdom teeth out 4 days after I delivered twins, so I had to drive myself home from hospital (my father babysat him & his swollen cheeks).  With each new baby, I focussed on the toddlers, carried on like normal, avoided sibling rivalry (very easy with settled new borns) - I used to sit my toddler between the twin’s heads when they fed & read to her (malleable boobs!!)

Journey: This smooth ride has not been lost on us, we know we’re lucky & appreciate it.  They are allergy free, smart, sporty & social.  I am strict & consistent, i have to maintain order or they’ll over run me.  I look back at the time I had 4 under 4 years 8 months, BEST time of my life.  In a blink I’ll have 4 teenagers, so I savour the time I have with them now, embrace full time motherhood & our wonderful future.

  Advice: Take all advice, good, bad & ugly, preparation & knowledge is power.  No delivery is perfect, however, I delivered full intact placentas & had minimal bleeding.  I lost ALL the weight in the first fortnight (hello Hollywood) & Yoga rebuilt my strength.  I did poo when I pushed out my first baby so I would recommend ANYONE to have an enema & be empty, it feels like the baby is coming out of your bottom during labour!!  I had zero back pain in other deliveries - post bowel evacuation.  Ask for things & question medical staff if it doesn't feel right.  When my milk came in, my husband had to hold my boobs while I showered, I could not bend down with those heavy bowling balls on my chest!!  I suffered haemorrhoids, a midwife named ‘Joy’ said “honey, you have grapes of wrath down there”, good to know, pass me the Preparation H & a blow up rubber ring, no really!! 
Now my greatest thing EVER . . . stick ice packs in your knickers after delivery, REALLY, reduces swelling & makes a HUGE difference in speedy recovery.  First time I kept melting disposable ice packs, so next time, I filled up condoms with water & froze them (you don’t insert them, hell no, you lay them flat in your knickers on top of the giant maternity pads, they melt so make lots!!)  ONLY – warn any guests about your new iced penis sculpture hobby, as my darling conservative father went looking for the champagne in the room fridge & discovered them.  Oh we laughed!! 

Motherhood: Once you resign yourself to the fact you are a mother & life will never be the same again, things will really fall into place.  I’m all about your husband still being number 1 in your world, then babies, he was there first & will be there last, when your babies grow up & leave home . . . having a wonderful loving relationship with lots of communication & sex makes for a very smooth transition from couple to parents.  We waited 4 weeks after each delivery before giving sex a go again, it was fine 'down there' but 'up top' - milk EVERYWHERE so i kept a bra on & milk pads in, charming.  Fun times!!  

So that is my story, it’s a long one, lots of babies.  I often wonder if marrying my teen love, then having children young (our first born came along 5 years after we first kissed) assisted healthy pregnancy statistics & coping so well with the fast changes in our lives.  My handsome soldier & I have been through every possible major stressor – losing a parent, having a baby, having twins, having 4 babies, 5 war zones, buying properties, moving interstate 7 times, living in poverty, living apart – through it all we’ve had love, trust & laughter.  I believe I was born to be a mother, my siblings were freaking out though, I was pregnant at 23 straight out of Uni, but it was the most natural thing & thanks to Mr Love.Commitment.Marriage.Babies – there was never any doubt in my mind we’d be a success at this parenting game. 

Cheers to you parents out there, you are all remarkable, ditch the guilt – if you know better, do better, quit the frills & just get on the floor with the toys, eye ball your children, just love them & you’ll get it back tenfold.  Love Posie