oh boy can i cry, like a river

Greetings all,

Oh boy, i hold back on my personal battles on this blog, as i'm such an optimist & positive to the core, so i only mention my mother's Alzheimer's occasionally & how much i miss my husband . . . but today i've just let it all out . . . crying is soul medicine for me.  I feel like i've cried all day.  ANZAC Day is brutal for a wife while her husband is actually in a war zone, my Godfather passed away last week (a highly decorated Naval Commander) & now, i have a sick little chicken . . . . crescendo of heartbreak is one crushed daughter to console.     

Sure we want to have a farm & eat our animals, however, this is a tiny baby chicken who suddenly stopped thriving & is now weak, not eating or drinking, it's so unfair.  But as we've sat by the coop all day, in tears (this chicken has let me pour out all the pent up worry & sadness about missing my husband, my elderly parents, my darling Godfather) we've watched the most beautiful display of love & affection from our other chicken, who is so strong & healthy, chirp/ snuggle/ caress & watch over the sick one.  That my friends is mother nature at her best.  So while we are keeping the little chicken warm & hopefully comfortable, as her breathing is laboured & strength diminishing rapidly, we hope she goes peacefully.  I know, over a chicken, but she worked her way into our hearts & is letting me release so much tension, i'll be forever grateful for the tiny part of her life she shared with us.  Love Posie

i'm grateful for . . . 'allowed to be sad'

Greetings all,

I've been doing fluffy posts all week to cover up the huge hole in my heart.  This is not a sympathy seeking post, i just have to let my emotions out.  It's not dirty laundry, more a lesson in how lucky you are if you have your family close in your heart, healthy & home.

I’ve had possibly the saddest week of my life . . . farewelling my husband, that is always tough, but when my father rang to say my mother (suffering Alzheimer’s) woke up one morning this week & said she didn’t know who he was, I’m heart broken.  56 years of marriage, this is how their love story is going to end??  I’m shattered.  It's the moment i've been dreading.  Alzheimer's Disease can leave the patient with the blur of feeling like they should know the people around them, only they can't put it together, they feel stupid & often scared.

This year I have done many posts on things I’ve given up, paused or postponed, from the P&C to my website, small markets to working at Shop Handmade, all things I loved but I knew how this year was going to run (husband away & elderly parents) + high school is as full on & involved as expected, especially if your child has missed 2 weeks due to a virus & suddenly assignments for every subject are due to wrap up the term & vital school work is missing.  Pressure & stress, she likes to give her best. 

I like to have everything in order in my house so we can enjoy school holidays, not use that non-school-run-time-savings on sorting the cupboards.  Alas, I have a big double Handmade Market on next weekend, fabulous & that is where every spare moment is going next week, sewing!!  Oh throw in another teacher’s strike too & regional athletics carnival.  One more week of school, then we can all catch our breath . . . & visit my parents, the cupboards can wait. 

I’m grateful I’m allowed to be sad, take it all in, compartmentalise what I can help with & make changes to, along with that I can’t do anything about, only wish for the best – like my darling Dad’s daily dealings with the cruel Alzheimer’s which is stealing my mother from him.  They have moved to live closer to my doctor brother & his incredibly dedicated wife, for 'supervision', a very sensible move.  I have my mental health, i can deal with this, absorb, slow & calm.  I throw myself into positive pursuits like sewing & the gym, i walk the dog a bit further each day, he knows all my worries.  Pets as therapy anyone??  I'm also very grateful i don't have to be anything other than a daughter, wife & mother, focus on family, that is my only goal to wrap up this emotional year.  More Gratefuls here with sweet Sonia from Lioness Lady.  Love Posie

i'm grateful for . . . my husband & children & flexible life

Greetings all,

Joining in with Maxabella Love's I'm Grateful For this Saturday . . . i know it's a cliche to be grateful for your husband & children but man, the way my husband handled my parents yesterday was a dream. 
We had simple plans to take them to The Poacher's Pantry, world famous smoked game shop/ restuarant/ vineyard/ beautiful farm outside of Canberra, then Shop Handmade, simple, non??  Then my Dad jumped in the car & straight up said "show me this land you want to buy".  So we started the trip, only to have the school ring at 10a.m. "we've had a McClelland take a tumble, she's in sick bay" so we turned the car around to scoop number 3 up.  Turned into a 250km trip but my husband kept driving & driving.  I took car craft, thank goodness, i made over 40 headbands in the 3rd row of the car, i know my place!!

 We tripped out to the farm we want to buy, THEN onto Poacher's, which i can assure you, Miss-Grazed-Hands-Elbow-Knees was not disappointed.  She's our meat lover & ordered lamb chops for lunch, as you do when you're 9, then ate all the rabbit, kangaroo etc off our platters. 

 When we found out the year 6 dinner/ dance ensemble now required a mask (kill me) my husband & big girl started creating this, just the two of them, with enamel paint.  Nothing like watching handsome soldier with his girls, sequins, glitter & feathers!!

 She even let me (as she decided i too could be useful) to make her dress for the dinner/ dance.  I only stuck 2 pins into her directly, we're still on good terms!!  This is saving me $200 on a new dress which wouldn't fit her properly as she's so petite.

 I mean, who wouldn't be extra grateful for a husband who leaves your stove top looking like this after each meal??  He also polishes my leather shoes, ahhh, love some aspects of Army & it's anal cleaning ways!!

 Check this out, my girls are great mates (this won't change in their teens, i've ordered them not to ever stop loving each other) having a sleepover at home!!

I'm truly grateful for my flexible life, i've withdrawn from today's market, so i can spend more time with my family, take my parents to see our beautiful Shop Handmade & help my brother out.  It's stressful, it's hard, it's sad, Alzheimer's just sucks.  Have to say, having a child with us yesterday was a nice ice breaker, as she's by far the sweet one, she played along with being called the wrong name all day & never stopped smiling at her grandmother. 
Lots of follow up posts required on the dress, mask, Poacher's Pantry & healing those grazed body parts!!
To hear more grateful people appreciate how lucky they are, check out Maxabella + don't miss out on a super cool giveaway below!!  Love Posie

the roller coaster of my beautiful life mixed with mental illness

Greetings all,
Wow wee, this time of year is always out-of-control with wrapping up the school year, Christmas shoppping/ planning/ comprising, making stock for markets . . . but this week i've been riding the roller coaster of life, truly UP & down down down. 
I have so many wonderful things around me, handsome soldier, happy children, a thriving home business.  Now we're looking at land to start a farm, build a homestead, private school . . . i can't wait!!

I have these amazing books to review - Beloved Homes produced by IKEA (details soon) & the much hyped & anticipated Handmade Living, which i'm so proudly involved with.  Ahhhh, dreamy life, non??   

What else today . . . these amazing fabrics arrived, a mix of French Provincial, wordy fabrics, bright girlie patterns & Golden Book prints, oh & some Christmas prints!!  Bliss.

So why so down down down??  I'm the happiest person around!!
Well i've spoken of my mother's struggle with Alzheimer's before, it's getting ugly now & really affecting my father.  My brother, the doctor one, is bringing them to Canberra on Friday for a visit while he's at a medical conference.  I can't stop thinking about how mum will be, how dad will be, how i will be??  This is a horrible nasty unfair disease which takes your loved ones away from you long before they pass.  I can't stand it.  My mother said, upon her diagnosis 5 years ago "i wish it was cancer, something i could fight & something i could hate". 

In the contributor write up in Handmade Living, it mentions that i learnt all my craft skills from my mother.  Sigh, she can't remember.  She can't read this book & think, "forget the science degrees, Jennie is in this book because i taught her something money can't buy, i passed on a skill from one generation to another".  It would make her so proud, my dad is proud, i want both of them to be proud. 

I'll leave it there for now, i'm so anxious how this week will wrap up . . . & i'm an incredibly relaxed person.  I just want to pretend it's not happening, show my mummy our beautiful Shop & how her skills transferred into my products . . . & talk like we used to.  This amazing woman has been married for 55 years, 4 children, 14 grandchildren, she's a chef & can do absolutely anything around the home, a true 1950's housewife.  To be stripped of her memory just kills me. 
I have two markets on this weekend, deep breaths, so distracted, mental illness sucks. 
Thanks for listening, love Posie

Dementia Awareness Week

Greetings all,

I have a funny post up my sleeve (believe me - have children - will experience embarassment) but i thought i'd just give a shout out for Dementia Awareness Week here in Australia.  As it's something close to my heart with my mummy, who has been going downhill for 5 years now with Alzheimer’s.  Sadly my mother was diagnosed the week her sister died from complications of Alzheimer's Disease (giving up on life, eating, drinking). 

So you might hear me comment over & over that my parents are non stop jet setters & cruisers but that is because they LOVE to travel, coupled with the fact my mother is relaxed, less stressed & can focus better on my father, appearing less forgetful & frustrated while on holiday.  My father tries hard, but after nearly 55 years of marriage, he has never EVER cooked a meal, picked up the vacuum or done a load of washing.  In his defence, he joined the Navy aged 17 & well, never had to do anything for himself, as he married the ultimate housewife.  So it's a struggle for both of them.  Anyway, i think we're all a tad mentally healthier on holiday!!

So spare a thought for the many people, bloggers, families out there with someone close to their heart suffering from a mental illness.  My children have had one grandmother taken from them with breast cancer, it's so very sad to see their other grandmother can't always remember who they are. 
Just to put a little spin on this as my mother has a brilliant sense of humour & would appreciate this . . . 3 of my children are very polite around my mother when she calls them the wrong name, gives them the wrong drink, drifts off mid sentance . . . except ONE.  Yes, everyone has ONE of those blunt, direct, no nonsense children/ grandchildren (i hope) - ours is the middle 9 y.o. daughter.  If Grandma starts stuttering or repeating herself, stuck on a thought . . . our impatient daughter will correct her or worse . . . say "AND Grandma, come on, finish the story, AND" while waving her hand in a come-on-hurry-up gesture.  In all honesty it breaks the ice & we all have a giggle.  Love you mummy, good luck to everyone out there with these often talked-around diseases, blame the illness not the person!!  Love Posie