23 September 2012

social commentary Sunday . . . 'passive aggressive women are ugly'

Greetings all,
Guess what, this is my 650th post so i thought i'd make a beauty of a social commentary - a topic which makes my blood boil.  I detest manipulative women.  We all know egomaniacal go-getters who are insecure & have to push you down to elevate themselves . . . they might even live in your family . . . passive aggression is a nasty trait.  Sometimes they're so smooth, you don't even realise it's happening until it plagues your thoughts . . . their toxic venom, side comments, looks of distain, hostile/ undermining/ exclusive/ obstructional behaviour . . . their psychic talons haunt your weekends.  They destroy your confidence to elevate their worth, subtly digging away at you with their pathological negativity.  
Please don't confuse this with healthy aggression - women in business or social circles who are positively confident, tenacious & determined - men often consider them bitches, because they're more capable & threatening - however, they tell you exactly what they think, they're up front & confront issues with a clear conscious & reason, not behind your back with 'yes-men' cronies, ripping the rug from under your feet.  Often they are the best bosses & greatest friends, consistent & genuine to the core . . . the perfect person to ask for an honest opinion. 
If you have the guts to stand up to a passive aggressor, they are often afraid of confrontation, however, instead of backing down & apologising, oh no, the petulant child inside erupts & they create a twisted web of lies to counteract & confuse you.  They may have 'learned helplessness' & play the victim role, as hostile 'jokes' roll off their stubborn tongues.  Negativity abounds.  If you shine above them with success, you might score a back handed compliment, little else.  I've never met a passive aggressor who was self deprecating or able to relax, their interpersonal skills are resistant to light hearted fun.  Watch as they exclude you from a meeting yet steal your ideas as their own & lap up the praise - if you demand "but that was my idea" watch them switch on the charm offensive with the old patronising "we're all part of the same team" as they trot off to a celebratory dinner, without you.  If you leave, some other schmuck will take your place & be sucked dry too.  It's a parasitic cycle.
Ok, so what has got this housewife all riled up about passive aggression?? . . . besides my experience from my short career in the oil industry, being a member of various P&C committees + part time jobs in retail, telecommunications, customer service & banking while i was at University . . . oh SO many examples of passive aggression female team managers there.  Yes i've had some great female bosses & colleagues too.  I loved each job, including gift wrapping wedding presents for 3 years at a department store - i did it beautifully with pride until a new floor manager tried to set a standard (without any experience, she just wanted to be seen making changes) even though my method was more efficient & economical, offering a variety of wrapped gorgeousness for a display of wedding gifts en masse for each happy couple . . . kapow, i was kicked out of the wrapping room & da dah, brides starting complaining about the new boring wrapping quality.  Humph.  Time to leave, i was 21 & didn't need her drama - once you start dreading going to a job you once loved because of the boss, there's not a lot which can fix that feeling.  
Last week a friend of mine who is highly professional & respected in her industry, got a huge public passive aggressive slap in the face at a small-local-industry-related-event.  Keep in mind that guest lists are printed with the event information & it's an industry where everybody checks out who is coming in advance (read: no excuses) . . . a colleague/ competitor was chatting in a circle, which included my friend, then did the "what's your name again??" for everyone to hear.  Purely to humiliate & push her down, she knew full well who she was - they'd met at SEVERAL small-local-industry-related-events previously (& recently) including one of her own launches!!  My friend was extremely embarrassed & deflated, way to make you feel like a nobody in your industry.  Thing is, she doesn't even like this other woman, she's a 'braggart' who takes everything you say & has to up you, to appear more special & wonderful, she just happened to be included in this networking social circle at a break during the event, unavoidable.  It's beyond awkward, it's down right rude & inexcusable!!
I have had enough of these passive aggressive types, who live to put you down to elevate themselves.  If "what's your name again??" happens to me . . . i think i'll shoot back "gosh you have a bad memory, we've met several times!!" putting them on the back foot, shock them, they don't like confrontation or a dose of their own medicine.  It might take all the guts you have, you might shake & want to run away . . . it's time to turn the tables on these passive aggressive women, bravely shut them down & end the cycle, setting a wonderful positive example to our daughters!!  We need to stop them hurting us.  Their issues do not deserve to be given a second thought in our beautiful minds.  Love Posie


julie said...

Great post

I call them "the smiling assassins" and there are a number of them I see at school events.



Modern Day Mummying said...

Oh Posie! I'm nodding and laughing as I'm reading this post! I'm experiencing the very same things myself at the moment... It's so true. These women hate confrontation and everything ends up glorifying them in the end so really it's not worth to stoop down to their level in the first place!

I'm a huge believer in karma baby! It'll all bite them in the @rse one day when they meet their match or someone who is even stronger than they are in the bi#@h department!

My motto is to stay true to myself and obviously these silly people need that extra validation in their lives by making someone else unhappy. so be it... I'm happy and they can't take that away :)

Anonymous said...

Yep plenty of those toxics around, I reckon you would have been the bestest giftwrapper!!

The Moerks said...

So timely Posie, I am about to re encounter a couple next term and I have been thinking about how to deal with them. I shall have your voice in the back of my head cheering me on. Deb

Jo in TAS said...

Another fantastic post Posie! I've dropped a couple like this off my friends list, they also suck the life out of you, they don't know how to be a friend. I've come across one at work, she's ruthless and practically runs the whole show, i still haven't worked out how to knock her off her perch. Sadly there's also a few men in this category too. I'm only holding out to get a couple of years experience at my workplace then it'll be time to move on.

Jane said...

Oh Jennie, you know what I think. Enough is enough. J x

polkadotpeticoat said...

AMEN Amen amen.......

barbara woods said...

i know what you mean . those bulldozer women that wonts their way no matter what!

posie blogs Jennie McClelland said...

Thanks ladies, I know I'm not alone. It's the nastiest form of slow boil & destructive bullying, even getting the most confident of us. Good luck, love Posie

Anonymous said...

Heading to work with a new mind set today. Loved the yes men cronies and their psychic talons, totally feel that. X x x Sal

Melbourne Girl said...

Oh boy do I hear you!!
I've had one in my life for some years now and you're right, it's done to push you down so they feel better about themselves.
They are insecure little beings...they have to be to play these games.
I found myself, for a while at least, being consumed by her, until I refused to let her into my head.
Now I ignore her
She told someone once that she believed "she intimidated me". Wrong my little friend. I just don't like you.
Great post Posie

Hot Fudge said...

Ah yes, how this brings back stressful memories. I was once PA to the Marketing Manager of a large corporation. What she lacked in passive she sure made up with a double dose of aggressive. I was good at my job, but she sapped all my self-confidence and left me a wreck. In the end I resigned, because I valued my sanity above the generous salary. On the other hand I have worked with women who were marvellous. I guess you have to realise that in life there are the good, the bad and the downright passive aggressive.

Mel @ Coal Valley View said...

But 650 Posts - that's amazing! Well done! Feeling slightly embarrassed as I was feeling a little chuffed at just clocking up my 100th :-) As for the Toxics - they're around and have to be avoided but sadly some of us have them in our extended families which makes life a bit trickier..... Have a great week! Mel x

Tania McCartney said...

My oh my, there's a few people who need to read this post today!!

Frightening thing is, many passive aggressives are too clueless, self-serving and insecure to realise what they're doing. It's ugly, alright - lowest of the low - but the BEST part of all is that anyone with half a brain sees them coming - and quickly walks the other way.

When you see people peeling away from you, business dropping off, others not willing to work with you any more - that's how you know you're PA and when you quickly lose respect and credibility.

Last year, I gave some mega PAs a wide-berth and my life soared. I must admit, I was also compelled to side-step in order to get out of the Karma firing line because all PAs cop whacking great Karma.

We choose who we let into our lives - if you have a PA in yours and cannot walk away, then blocking techniques are vital.

Or garlic and a sharpened stake.

Tania McCartney said...

Just another comment on the petulant child attempting to addle and confuse and put blame back on you - OH YOU SAID IT! I SO experienced this!!! For me, it came to a point where I chose to walk away rather than put up with the lies, manipulation and BS that was being formulated in this woman's own mind and also being transferred to others.

Life is about beauty, openness, honesty - not selfish, snarky, lying, manipulative trolls.

posie blogs Jennie McClelland said...

Isn't this crazy that we have to physically and mentally and financially remove ourselves from the situation to save our sanity?? Like Tania said, you leave them & your life with soar, it's absolutely true in my situation too!! Love Posie

Anonymous said...

Thank you Posie, after an awful six months at work and a particularly bad Monday, you've given me a spark to face such a situation again tomorrow - with a smile for the aggressor :). I call them jellyfish in my household thanks to Bridget Jones.

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