22 September 2012
one year ago . . .
One year ago, my husband landed in Afghanistan for his third deployment of that dusty hell hole. The last thing he said before leaving was "thank you" for letting him go. I've done that 5 times now, leaving him a base, dock or airport, saying goodbye as he leaves for up to 9 months in a war zone. I don't think about being alone or parenting solo, it's not knowing what he's doing or when i'll hear from him next, it's wrenching. I cry my heart out & the children are numb for a while . . . our handsome soldier has gone away again.
I have been madly in love with this man for 19 years, he was my teen love through University & we've both changed - i was going to be a forensic scientist (before it was CSI cool) with tonnes of attitude . . . he was in a few dead end jobs & apprenticeships, i always knew he'd end up in the regular Army, deploying to war wasn't on the cards. We grew together, i softened . . . love, marriage & children came naturally, living all over Australia, having twins, holidaying in Europe twice, taking the children to Disneyland & creating a farm dream have been lovely surprises we never expected on a low income. I tell you, it's not how much money you make, it's how you use it & save, save, invest & save some more.
My husband has an innate sense of responsibility, many servicemen do, he has uneasy calm in difficult situations & can be un-reactive. I don't do drama, so we're kind of perfect for each other. I find hot heads very unattractive. I know he supports me in everything i do. It's the most wonderful feeling to know someone is your rock, unconditionally there for you & eternally kind to your heart. I can't tell my daughters about what it feels like to have your heart broken by a boy, but i can show them true respect in a relationship.
Best of all he doesn't question why i live my life with rosy glasses & looking for eternal goodness. Sure i have reality, war zones are never far from his world, i figure it's a more positive brain space to live in the moment & love it. He knows not to question why i covet metal signs, leave my mobile phone at home, hang bunting around the house, walk into shops i can't afford to buy anything in, collect petals for the chickens, match pegs with washing on the clothes line, eat a cookie then run flat out for half an hour . . . or why i'd photograph a cabbage . . . "is that going on your blog??" He just lets me be me.
Last weekend we cuddled up in watched the special forces movie Act of Valor. They included the soldier family life - BBQs, kicking a ball around with the children - then they walk away to a deployment. I can't imagine how it must feel for my husband to leave us, other than confusing . . . he can't put it into words, just tears . . . keeping extremely busy & focused on his job.
Then he comes home to all these girls, a son desperate to have father & a life of home baked goodness, it couldn't be more removed from a war zone. He slowly finds his place back in the family, fixing things - not necessarily when convenient to me (like changing engine oil while i'm serving dinner??) - so i look at the helpfulness of his actions & intentions. I let him potter, i do not nag. I've found him tidying up the dreaded cupboard above the fridge (which i can't reach) & the cutlery drawer, he might vaccum around the lounge (not under it) but pull out the fridge to mop behind it?? No rhyme or reason, i just let him go for it & not complain when i can't find steak knives!!
We are trying to get handsome soldier posted back to Canberra & living with us again, that means countless appointments & paperwork, or he'll be in Brisbane for 5 years, on his own. I said to the last 'authority' involved in the decision "this is all positive, we really love each other" & she said "i can see that". Then i realised she must witness many marriage break downs & worse, we must have been a breath of fresh air, still so happy after almost 2 decades. I've had a crush on my husband since 1994, butterflies & giggles, blushed cheeks, i still get them. Love Posie