23 November 2010

the roller coaster of my beautiful life mixed with mental illness

Greetings all,
Wow wee, this time of year is always out-of-control with wrapping up the school year, Christmas shoppping/ planning/ comprising, making stock for markets . . . but this week i've been riding the roller coaster of life, truly UP & down down down. 
I have so many wonderful things around me, handsome soldier, happy children, a thriving home business.  Now we're looking at land to start a farm, build a homestead, private school . . . i can't wait!!
I have these amazing books to review - Beloved Homes produced by IKEA (details soon) & the much hyped & anticipated Handmade Living, which i'm so proudly involved with.  Ahhhh, dreamy life, non??   
What else today . . . these amazing fabrics arrived, a mix of French Provincial, wordy fabrics, bright girlie patterns & Golden Book prints, oh & some Christmas prints!!  Bliss.
So why so down down down??  I'm the happiest person around!!
Well i've spoken of my mother's struggle with Alzheimer's before, it's getting ugly now & really affecting my father.  My brother, the doctor one, is bringing them to Canberra on Friday for a visit while he's at a medical conference.  I can't stop thinking about how mum will be, how dad will be, how i will be??  This is a horrible nasty unfair disease which takes your loved ones away from you long before they pass.  I can't stand it.  My mother said, upon her diagnosis 5 years ago "i wish it was cancer, something i could fight & something i could hate". 
In the contributor write up in Handmade Living, it mentions that i learnt all my craft skills from my mother.  Sigh, she can't remember.  She can't read this book & think, "forget the science degrees, Jennie is in this book because i taught her something money can't buy, i passed on a skill from one generation to another".  It would make her so proud, my dad is proud, i want both of them to be proud. 
I'll leave it there for now, i'm so anxious how this week will wrap up . . . & i'm an incredibly relaxed person.  I just want to pretend it's not happening, show my mummy our beautiful Shop & how her skills transferred into my products . . . & talk like we used to.  This amazing woman has been married for 55 years, 4 children, 14 grandchildren, she's a chef & can do absolutely anything around the home, a true 1950's housewife.  To be stripped of her memory just kills me. 
I have two markets on this weekend, deep breaths, so distracted, mental illness sucks. 
Thanks for listening, love Posie

35 comments:

NessaKnits said...

Hugs for you Posie. Perhaps she may have glimpses of the past and the crafts she taught you.

Thea said...

This is very sad to read - yes, hopefully the beautiful crafts in the shop will trigger some memory?

Kate said...

It does suck! You are so right about that one.
Its been a year and a half since my grandmother died of Alzeimers and it still makes me furious that my kids just remember the sick, crazy lady and not the woman that used to drive here once a week to spoil them and hang out with them. I hope your visit from your Mum is easy and happy. You are so lucky to have all those gifts she gave you.

HeadsUp said...

Warm strong hugs, Love Sue (HeadsUp...a great name for us all, special one xo)

HeadsUp said...

Warm strong hugs, Love Sue (HeadsUp...a great name for us all, special one xo)

The Handmaden said...

Having worked in aged care I've seen how this affects the sufferer and their family and friends. It is a truly awful illness. However, I noticed even though the person is being stripped of memories they are still so human! So loveable. So valuable.
Hope your weekend works out beautifully.

Kate said...

Hugs to you, you are right it is a horrible thing and horrible to watch loved ones go through it. xx

Chantal said...

Will be thinking of you Posie. I hope there will be some way to find a peaceful moment with your Mum over the weekend.

Farmers Wifey said...

Hugs...it must be very difficult for you.....

I know about the mayhem at this time of year....we all need that rest now..it won't be long!

Cate said...

It really does suck...and it's pretty scary too. Best of luck for the visit :-) xxx

Tania said...

One foot in front of the other, one stitch at a time and the deepest of breaths. I can't begin to imagine how difficult, how confronting, how awful it must be – trying to find your mum somewhere in there.

Kylie said...

Oh honey hugs - will be thinking of you. What a terrible diseace and she is right - although cancer sucks to - you can hate it and tell it it sucks and to piss off - your poor mum can't even remember what she has - Good luck with the markets this weekend.

Heidi said...

I'm so sorry Posie that is a terible disease! My neighbor stayed last week with a friend for three weeks who has just the start of the disease and she came home exhausted a big hug to you momma!

Just Martha said...

Hey Posie I'm hearing you. My Mum too has Alzheimer'- a twilight disease where she is caught between two worlds. The only thing that keeps us all going is that we have everything up to date: wills, power of attorney, ACAT assessment should something happen to my Dad, etc plus she now goes to Repite one day per week and because she is nice and safe, my Dad is able to totally relax and recharge his batteries. It has made such a difference to him. We also have a carer 'visit' once a week so Dad can nip out and do some jobs. She also now sees a Gerentologist aswell. I understand about the children and their memories. We give her lots and lots of hugs, pats touches... For me the saddest part is where we sit at the table as a big family and her mind is elsewhere. I hate it. We have also done up an album of all the family and written messages in it (kikki-k) which we whip out and get the kiddies to read through with her... If she is in a feisty stage, it will pass. Much love Martha

Jane said...

oh my thoughts will be with you this weekend. my grandma had Alzheimer's and I know that it was toughest for my dad (her son) and made it very hard to interact with her.
however my last couple of visits with her I took projects with me (knitting crochet etc) and that provided a good link to help bridge the gaps in conversation as she struggled to communicate.
my memories of her though are more strongly the ones of my childhood - a good thing to think about with your kids after your parents visit.
thanks for sharing!

Freckled Sparrow said...

Hugs to you xoxoxox

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry. Such an awful unfair disease. My dad died of cancer and it was unbelievably cruel, long and painful too. It's such a painful thing to watch someone you love go through.

Jennie said...

How awful for your family. I hope your mum isn't too upset by being taken out of her familiar environment for the trip, and you can have some pleasant times together.

Sarah B said...

It's so cruel what your mum and family must be going through. I'm not sure how I'd cope. It is so wonderful that she passed on her craft knowledge to you *hugs*

Lizzie said...

It's hard I know, I guess I'm lucky I see my Mum every week, so the progression is less of a shock but most times I too come away angry that this insidious disease is taking her away and leaving a shell. Mum is no longer confident or independant, Dad makes all her decisions for her and this alone makes me sad. She was always fiesty and in charge, always the decision maker, always in control.....
All you can do is continue to love and cherish, laugh and cry and remember..
Take care Jennie....
Lizzie
xxx

Mimi said...

Oh Posie, I have tears in my eyes and my heart goes out to you. My Mum had early signs of Dimentia before she passed away last year and that was hard enough for my sister and I. A truly big hug to you and I hope everything goes well for you this weekend. Mimi xx

clare's craftroom said...

Jen I have no words my friend , best and kindest wishes coming your way .

Tina said...

Such a sad post to read dear Jennie. I think your Mother has passed on wonderful craft skills to you, but I also think she has passed on such wonderful memories. Be the keeper of these memories for her and for your dear Dad. Hope that the weekend goes well. Thinking of you ~ Tina xx

Steph said...

May you find the strength to deal with this awful time. Hugs by the bucketload for you...and best of luck at the market.
P.S. Just R.S.V.P'd for the book launch so I can give you a hug in person!! :) x

JODIE said...

Big hugs to you Jennie xxx

Little Ted Canvas said...

That is just so sad, I hope the visit goes really well for you all and that she can enjoy seeing the beautiful things you have created thanks to her. Thinking of you x

yardage girl said...

I hope it all turns out better than expected. It is such a cruel, unfair disease. Thinking of you. Nic

Tania McCartney said...

I lost my mum when I was 21. It was very sudden. It was the most devastating moment of my life and I still collapse in a heap occasionally, over 20 years later.

To lose your mum gradually like this... Jen - I can't imagine the pain. My heart with you. xx

cheeky textiles said...

Oh darling I wish I could hug you. you are such amazing person and I am sure alot of this comes from your mum. enjoy the now. Hugs and tears Love Stacey xxxxxx

Queen Of The Armchair aka Dzintra Stitcheries said...

Oh Jennie my Heart goes out to you♥♥ Big Hug through cyberspace for you...Love Dzintra♥x

Michelle W @ The Crafty Little Fox said...

Yes life really is not fair sometimes. It is really a mixed bag too. You have the happy stuff and then the sad stuff. Big quilty hugs to you oxox

Naturally Carol said...

At least as you acknowledge her at her best, people will remember that and know that she truly is more than she appears to be now. She has the best daughter she could have.

quilary said...

I can't imagine how awful that must be to deal with. You and your Dad will be a source of strength for each other. When it gets tough, I hope you will be able to think of all of us who are sending our best wishes to you.

Amanda said...

Oh Posie sending good thought to help you through the weekend. My MIL is back with use again they finally got on top of her infection and she is back to her old self but it was so scarey for a couple of months there. It was just a glimpse at what you are going through and that is enough.

Seaweed and Raine said...

Thank you for being so open and candid. It can't be easy. Having your mum with you... but not behaving as your mum always has is stressful. Heart wrenching. Tear welling. I don't know if you believe in God or not. I do. Cancer does suck. My Dad was ripped away from us when I was 23... I don't know what I would call worse, cancer or alzheimers. Both strip you of someone you love. Either way, I'm praying that you will have moments of peace with your mum and comfort from the love you share... if that's Ok with you?